Oh T.V., Where Art Thou?

We only get one channel, and it's too fuzzy to tell which one it is. I've pleaded with my wife to let me order DirectTV, but she reminds me that I'm unemployed and living off credit cards. Woman are so irrational. I sit in my rocking chair and stare at the wall. She tells me it creeps her out when I stare at the wall, so I lie on the wood floor and stare at the ceiling instead. I've lost all sense of purpose. What's the use of being unemployed if I can't watch T.V. all day?

I think I sympathize more with Islamic Fundamentalists now. You try sitting in a sweltering hut all day with nothing to look at but dirt walls and your hairy brothers and see if you don't take an interest in assault rifles and suicide bombings. I'd be interested to see how many terrorists had a good HD satellite package before pulling the trigger. Probably none. The ones that have T.V.'s probably only get one channel, and it's probably too fuzzy to even tell what it is. Forget peace in the Middle East. Has George W. considered DirectTV in the Middle East? We could set up some nice amnesty packages, like "trade in your assault rifle for half-off the NFL Sunday Ticket." Void where prohibited.

I used to wonder how Middle-Easterners could blame all their problems on the United States. I was pretty sure we didn't ship all that sand and heat to them and then declare "no give backs!" But as I stared at my T.V., feeling the sweat trickle down my back while my tiny AC unit only made the room hotter, I couldn't help but feel an irrational anger for Chechnya. I didn't know how, but I was sure they were responsible for all the heat and humidity and poor television reception in New Hampshire. That night, as the heat broke, and as we found a decent DVD to watch, I suddenly realized that Chechnya wasn't to blame, and then I later decided it probably wasn't even a real country. Heat and boredom short-circuit the anger wires in your brain. If we could get terrorists hooked up to DirectTV, I imagine they would sit on their couches and wonder why they ever hated the United States. They certainly wouldn't love us, but they wouldn't hate us, either. It would be something more like French apathy. A terrorist sits on his couch wearing his little beret, holding a cigarette limply in his hand, and watches The Real World, Baghdad. "Deez American's are stupid," he says. "Day zink we are dumb enough to sit here all day and watch dis crap." He puffs on his cigarette and spends the next six hours watching, never once thinking of his assault rifle.